Starting brand new again. It seems like every time that my life is beginning a new chapter, a new blog is created. And that's okay.

This time I've decided to keep one for my own and only myself. Whoever happens upon it is free to gander, but it will never be due to an invitation. No more of these "private" postings and no more worrying that all the public posts are followed by someone i know.

It's been a long time since I blogged last, nearly 3 years w/ the occassional "private" ranting on livejournal. Today, for some unknown reason, i felt the need to start again. It's been something i've wanted to do but never felt the need to. It's important to reflect some and i feel that it's time for some reflection...some spilling of the guts to feel whole again.

It's interesting. I am now at a quarter of a century old plus some odd months...the age old question (at least for me), still haunts me with the feeling like i'll never find the answer.

"What is happiness to me?"

Alot has happened, as in any other life, in the past few years. I moved away to find myself, feeling like it could be a step closer to happiness. In my mind, it was the most absolute sure step i could ever take. Years passed, with some drawn out moments in between feeling like i should simply end my life and some others feeling like i could actually be experiencing this thing called "happiness". It's hard to tell which were longer.

I met someone that was very special, certainly had a major impact on me to know a person like that existed. He cared very much for me, he taught me things that i rather enjoyed and showed me that i too can do just as well as he can.

But that wasn't enough.

Receiving everything that he could possibly give me, other than feeling truly loved (an entirely different story), i kept looking back to home. I never grew out of the home-sickness and craved for a more-than-tangible love. It was never enough and he could not keep me.

It's unfortunate that we never were on the same wavelength. As much as he "loved" me, it was never in the language i understood. Or maybe it wasn't true love to begin with...?

Again, it's hard to say.




In any case. With the occassional bits of happy that i felt, it was never sustainable. I wanted to leave and I did.

I took the first opportunity I could to come back home because "it's what i want". Actually, it really was what i wanted. Sun, friends, family. All in exchange for what i think would have been a "very charmed life" seen by others - financially stable, seemingly loved, picket-fence dream life. I think somewhere in the back of my head, i knew that the relationship wasn't going to keep me happy for long. I had a very hard time believing that this was in fact, the love of my life. Also in conjunction with knowing that Chicago was not my home, California was and always will be home to me.

So where am i now?

As of late, I've felt rather sad. No real reason to be, but i don't feel as happy as i did when i moved back. It's a number of small little things.

• I don't enjoy work. I truly am the outcast in the group even after being there since August. It feels just like the way it did when I had no friends in school. It could easily be because I am new to the working world. In any case, it's hard for me to enjoy knowing that this is absolutely not my calling and daydream of somehow breaking out of the field.

• Mom. Her situation is a hard pill to swallow. Out of work for nearly a year and a half now and continuing. I think she struggles with that fact and the idea that the situation could easily persist haunts me constantly.

• ASCP exam. There's not much to say here other than that it's a fairly important exam and i'm obligated to take it. Test anxiety is more than natural. May 21st. Then i can move on. Hopefully.
  

• My "better" half. I do adore him. But i need to accept understand that he is not "Chicago". I can see the way he looks at me is not anything anyone has ever offered me: his whole being.

What more could a fellow human being offer another?

The other day I spoke w/ "Chicago". His glorious new iPad, which could have easily been mine. The dog which was purchased for my everyday entertainment. His upcoming new motorcycling license. It was all very nostalgic.
That used to be my life. That used to be us. And now, no more, because i wasnt happy.



Now I'm unhappy again with the one thing I was missing before, but without everything I used to have.




It's all so confusing isnt it.




My better half tells me that it's a choice. We wake up everyday given the choice like what to eat for breakfast. Do I want to be unhappy or happy today? (Personally, i don't like that logic. This is simply because I am the only one to blame for my unhappiness)

I've been told on more than one occassion, i love to be miserable. That I won't allow myself to be happy. Is this true? And if so, what a truly difficult life i've chosen to live.

There's so far been one constant in my life. Me.
No matter where I go, no matter what happens, the one thing that will remain forever: Me.
And so far, as much as things around me change, i've always been thru every moment of every change. Unhappy? It must be something in me. I can't argue that it isnt a subconscious choice i make or have made. How much longer am i to keep myself from being happy? It's really time to wake up and experience life as it is presented to me. Nothing but beautiful.

(hence the blogspot name)

There really wasn't any real conclusion I wanted to come to after this blog entry. This is merely a vomiting of thoughts that was long overdue. I think i feel better now.